If I can go back in time!

 

When faced with difficult times, I often find myself wondering if I can turn back time. Physically, I know it's impossible, but mentally, I can transport myself to a time when I was truly happy and at peace. By recalling those moments, I can alleviate some of the pain and tightness in my chest.

One such moment was when I stood in front of mount Merapi, completely still, and witnessed the mesmerizing flow of lava. The sound of it boiling and breaking into pieces as it rolled down and shattered was truly awe-inspiring. 

I want to clarify that I'm not trying to avoid the grieving process. Instead, I'm giving my heart a much-needed break and showing myself some compassion. A friend recently told me to stop being so hard on myself, and it got me thinking about why my acceptance has turned into anger and regret.

I've come to realize that it's crucial to protect ourselves during times of vulnerability. We need to shield ourselves from the negative influences around us and allow ourselves to truly feel our emotions, separate from any external factors. 

Today, I find myself in a state of silence. I speak, but inside, there is emptiness. I feel hollow, yet the tightness in my chest is incredibly painful. This leads me to question: What if I could go back in time? Could I prevent all of this from happening? Could I bring back those I've lost? Unfortunately, it's not possible. What is possible, however, is to slowly navigate through the grieving process and eventually reach the stage of acceptance, where healing can begin.

Now, it's time for me to return to my silence after our conversation. I feel a sense of relief, goodnight.