12.12.2022 Two years ago

 

Two years ago, on this exact day, I faced one of the darkest moments of my life. At 7:30 AM, a drug addict attempted to shatter my sense of safety. While he failed to violate me physically, he succeeded in planting a seed of fear in my heart—a fear that I had never known before.

I’ve always been fearless, drawn to exploration, nature, and connection with the people I encounter during my walks with my dogs. But this incident left a scar, one I’m still working to heal.

Today, I woke up at 7:30 AM, the exact time of the attack. I felt out of sorts, eating more than usual and drinking two large coffees that failed to energize me. My nerves were on edge all day.

When I took my dogs for a walk—not in the morning, but earlier than our usual afternoon routine—I was tense. Their slow pace frustrated me; I wanted to move quickly, to escape the desert’s shadows that seemed to haunt me.

But as I walked faster, something shifted. My anxiety began to fade, my steps slowed, and I started to take deeper breaths. I realized something important: I didn’t die that day. I wasn’t raped. The trauma left its mark, but I’ve been working through it. I am stronger than I was then.

This day, December 12, 2024, was emotionally challenging. But as I sit here now, safe in my house with my brother, my dogs, and my cats, I feel gratitude. Healing from trauma isn’t about erasing the event; it’s about working through the emotions it leaves behind—fear, vulnerability, and distrust.

For the past two years, my greatest challenge has been the fear of being alone. As an introvert, I’ve always valued solitude, but this fear changed how I approached it. Even on solo walks, I was hyper-alert, operating at 150%. It wasn’t ideal, but it was a step forward.

What I’ve learned is that healing requires acknowledgment—admitting to yourself that something needs attention. In this experience, I also gained an unexpected gift: the love and care of those around me. Friends and family stood by me, shared their time, kept me company, and stayed awake through my sleepless nights to remind me that I was safe.

Today, I felt strong enough to share this with you. To anyone carrying the weight of trauma: healing takes time, patience, and compassion for yourself. Look at what you’ve gained, not just what you’ve lost.

Goodnight, everyone.