Admitting

 

It started with admitting—the journey of self-discovery and vulnerability. I didn’t shy away. It was okay to say that something was not right, that something needed to be figured out and dealt with.

That didn’t start recently, but long ago, when the suffering was unbearable. Which, from today’s knowing, was a choice, but it wasn’t that way back then. There are these emotions that come up, nagging and disturbing the soul and the mind, and we’ve got to make a choice, but be aware of the consequences of that choice. I made that decision a very long time ago and was ready to face whatever came up from that childhood time. And every time I do the work, I think to myself, “Well, I am good now, all figured out and ready to take off.”

The reality for me was that every time I peeled a layer, I found another one. Not sure if in this lifetime I would reach the center or not, but I am sure that I will keep peeling one after the other, because not only does the suffering subside, but there is actually joy in knowing ourselves. And the fighter within never died. It might be tired sometimes and want to live an ordinary life for a while, but it won’t rest for long.

What I am learning now is accepting the wounds, the flaws, the mistakes, and the damage that has been done, and just being compassionate and kind to myself. And that changes a lot of the repeated self-blame and shame. It’s coming from a place of loving.

What scares me a bit is how our perception of others and situations changes drastically when we figure out that what we felt was coming from pain, from the wounded child, from a place of desperation to feel these feelings we missed in our earlier years on this planet Earth. And when we reach this realization that it shouldn’t be that way, it absolutely changes the whole stigma of the connections around us, whether it’s a partner, family, or friends.

And don’t get me wrong, taking responsibility and being aware that some things were not clear to us doesn’t automatically erase the pain that was caused by someone. Being manipulated and lied to is unacceptable, and you shouldn’t put any of that weight on your shoulders. You should never question yourself. It was solely their choice. If someone mistreats you, it’s on them, and you have nothing to do with it. But what you can do is let them. It takes nothing away from you, but it teaches you to move forward and figure out why you attracted these people into your life.

What I have been experiencing recently is curiosity about that person who will come into my life next as a partner, and how it would be like after what I have come to know, and how this knowledge of self will reflect on the connection. And that thought, and thinking about it, makes me giggle and feel excited. I am very happy to be in that space now.

Being able to forgive myself and others is one of the qualities I like about myself. I have never carried a grudge or resentment, whatever it was, and that’s not only in romantic connections but with everyone who has caused me pain, intentionally or unintentionally. Because from the beginning of my life, I knew that it would take me to a better place.

Life opens up for us when we open our arms and spread peace and love. It gets messy with expectations, but one thing at a time to deal with, and with time, we learn to expect less and let go of what causes us suffering. Then, when the heart relaxes, the mind let go of resistance, life seems way more livable and enjoyable.

Good morning, people :)