It’s Weird, and It’s Not

The human emotions and changes are unpredictable and uncertain for sure. We love people and then we stop loving them; we get impressed by some, and then they fall off our idealization.

We move through life, and with age, things become clearer and might get easier or much harder in some sense. We think we are in control of how we should feel, or I may say we think we are wiser and more aware, but that doesn’t actually reflect reality, because it varies between situations and also our positions in life at the moment.

We might think that we have got it all, but with growth, that is not true, because as we grow and our awareness gets bigger and our standards become clearer and higher, we don’t bend for things that don’t align with our core values. We might try, but I am telling you, we won’t be able to make it, because our tolerance gets lower with age.

We have more clarity about what we want. Emotions might trap us, but definitely, our wisdom will catch up quickly and become sharper. The pain is there, but the choices we make show us where we stand in life and in situations. We don’t go on with things that don’t give us the peace and safety we are looking for, so we choose pain instead of sacrificing ourselves for things we know are not good enough for us, in the sense that they don’t provide what we need.

A friend said, “You need to love yourself.” Guess what? I do, because I choose pain instead of lying to myself. Another friend says, “Get busy and direct this to something that you like,” but no, I choose to sit with the pain, not because I like pain, but because I learnt that pain is the best teacher. It takes us on a trip with ourselves to explore those areas that we avoid visiting because it’s a scary place.

This time of life is teaching me a lot about myself and others, and no regrets. I always loved 100% and trusted 100%, and from that place of loving and trusting, I have been hurt the most. But till this moment, that didn’t make me lose faith in love.

I avoided love or seeking connection for 7 years, and I thought in my head, “Now I am ready to love again,” and I was. It was not the right choice, I guess, but it did point out to me what I still need to work on, and it’s always a work in progress. We shouldn’t stop working on ourselves until we feel this oneness, this connection that we long for. We should never settle for what we think is okay; it has to be good enough.

Don’t ever listen to someone telling you, “Don’t stay with sadness,” or “Get over it,” or “Move on.” Keep your pace. Work on the speed you find comfortable and good for you. If someone can’t hold that space for you while you pursue in tears or feel miserable, don’t be around them. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be conflicted with your own feelings, and it’s okay to be heartbroken. It won’t last forever, but grief has to be done properly because if you don’t process this grief, it won’t serve you in the future. And I am telling you that from my own experience: if not processed properly, it will come back all at once, crushing your soul.

I was listening to a podcast talking about grief, and one of the comments touched me deeply. A guy said, “Grief is love with no place to go.” That sat with me for a while, and yes, this much emotion you have in your heart gives you physical pain. You feel heavy and tight in your chest because you don’t know where you can get these emotions out. You hold them there where they can’t be regulated, and oh God, that is one of the hardest feelings one can go through.

One person who doesn’t judge, just listens to you and is there to restore your sense of safety, is enough.

We all look for safety and peace, and one day they will be there. Just never lose faith.